The Art of Setting Boundaries whilst Maintaining Relationships

Setting boundaries is an essential skill for achieving a satisfied and content life. It requires a deep understanding of what genuinely matters to you, the ability to communicate these priorities clearly, and the confidence to uphold them with composure. Effective boundary-setting not only helps you protect what is truly important but also fosters healthy, respectful relationships.

As Bronnie Ware poignantly notes in her book The Five Regrets of the Dying, the number one regret of those nearing the end of their lives is, “I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.” This powerful insight underscores the importance of living authentically and setting boundaries that reflect your true values. Here’s a guide to setting boundaries with clarity, consistency, and confidence, ensuring you stay true to yourself and lead a fulfilling life.

1.    Clarify - What’s Important to You, Not What You Think You Should Do

Before you can set effective boundaries, it’s essential to have a clear understanding of your own priorities and values, and not what you may feel pressured to do by societal expectations or other’s opinions.  Often, people get caught up in issues or concepts and forget that their primary goal is to maintain and nurture meaningful relationships within the role. Take some time to reflect on:

Your Core Values: Who is the person you want to authentically be?

Your True Priorities: What relationships and roles bring you the most fulfillment?

Your Genuine Needs: What are your personal requirements for true balance and well-being?

By identifying what genuinely matters to you, you’ll be better equipped to set boundaries that support these priorities and keep you focused on what’s personally significant for you.

2.    Consistency – Verbalising ‘What is Important to You’

Once you have a clear understanding of your priorities, it’s important to communicate them consistently. This means articulating your values in a way that reflects what matters most to you, without getting side-tracked by extraneous issues. For example: What’s important to me is ….  What matters most to me … What I value most … What I hold dear to me is… What fuels my energy …

What situations/people/circumstances bring me joy…

By consistently stating what is important to you, you help others understand and respect your boundaries, reinforcing your commitment to your own values.  Be mindful that you are only stating YOUR value, not trying to convivence others that YOUR value is or should be right for anyone else.

3.     Confidence – Articulating your thoughts not your emotions.

When expressing what values most to you, do so in a cool, calm, collected manner… you are just giving information, avoid the urge to be defensive, like you somehow need to justify yourself.

… Never apologise for your viewpoint, play the victim, whine, or display anger or aggression (and quite frankly, why would you need to).

… Present your boundaries as a reflection of your own values, beliefs or desires, not as a defensive reaction to others.

Being unapologetically yourself while verbalising your stand point shows respect for your own needs and encourages others to honour them as well.

4. Clear Statement - Not a Request

When setting boundaries, frame your communication as a clear statement of your needs, actions, and limits; all things that are in your control.  Boundary setting is not a request or wish for others to change or do something different… it is purely about you and what is important to YOU.

For instance:

Clear Statement: “It is important to me to have uninterrupted time for personal projects on weekends. Therefore, I will not be available for any scheduled meetings during this time.” (I statements … I am in control of what I choose to do)

Not a Request: “I would appreciate it if you could avoid scheduling events on weekends.” (A focus on the external locus of control)

What’s important to me …

What I am willing to do…

What I am not willing to do …

By making definitive statements about what you are willing to do and what you are not willing to do, you take control of your boundaries without imposing ‘shoulds’ on yourself or others. This approach helps establish clear expectations and maintains focus on who you wish to be without seeking validation from others.

Remember, setting boundaries isn’t about meeting external expectations but about defining and honouring your own values. It’s about articulating these values in a way that maintains healthy relationships with those around you. By embracing this approach, you create a life that aligns with your true self and your genuine desires. While it may take time to master, with practice, you'll find yourself increasingly adept at setting and maintaining boundaries that reflect who you truly are and what you genuinely want.

Acknowledging Our Impact on World Teachers' Day: October 2024

Today, on World Teachers' Day, I want to take a moment to acknowledge all the incredible teachers out there. Just over 25 years ago, I embarked on this journey because I believed teaching was the best job in the world—and thankfully I still hold that belief close to my heart today. However, the world is changing, and so is the traditional landscape of education. The question is: have we managed to keep up?

From Knowledge Transmitter to Masterful Educator

Traditionally, the primary role of the teacher was that of a transmitter, solely focused on whatthey could teach to those who were able to absorb it. School was largely about compliance, obedience, memorization, and the imparting of knowledge and facts. As time went on, the emphasis shifted to understanding how to teach effectively. The art of pedagogy became paramount, with great teachers honing their craft through adaptation and innovation.

Today, we recognise that to be outstanding educators, we must master both the "what" and "how" of teaching while developing a deep, practical understanding of who our students are. Learning is a relationship, and we take our responsibility to create conducive conditions for learning in the classroom very seriously. This involves knowing our students, connecting with them, and building meaningful interactions that allow us to coach, motivate, and inspire engagement. Our passionate and dedicated teachers do this every single day, and it is no small feat!

Call to Action: Celebrate and Elevate Our Profession

It is up to us as a profession to lift one another and highlight the remarkable things quality teachers are accomplishing across our country and around the globe. What makes these achievements remarkable? … Well, according to definition, they are the moments worth remarking on. Every day spent in the presence of passionate, inspired educators reveals instances worthy of recognition and attention, does it not?  According to Seth Godin, “you are either remarkable or you are invisible, make a choice”.  Well, I think that teachers have been invisible for too long and now it is time to step up and share how remarkable we are.

So, how can we acknowledge and spotlight these remarkable moments?  How can we honour the teachers who choose this vocation and strive for excellence?

 One way is by being intentional about how we speak about our profession. The next time someone asks what you do, imagine responding with something that emphasises the overall outcome of your role, for example “I inspire young minds and am shaping the future.” Because that’s exactly what you are doing! We need to make the link between what we do each day and the outcomes it brings for our communities and world. 

Imagine the impact we could have if we all began to clearly articulate the influence we are having in the world? Together, we could spark a movement that brings the vital and important role of teachers to life.

Teaching is not just a job; it’s a calling. As a connected and passionate community, we can shape the future of our profession in ways that matter to us.

Help me share this message and celebrate the amazing work we do! 

“All of us are smarter than any of us”.