The Art of Setting Boundaries whilst Maintaining Relationships

Setting boundaries is an essential skill for achieving a satisfied and content life. It requires a deep understanding of what genuinely matters to you, the ability to communicate these priorities clearly, and the confidence to uphold them with composure. Effective boundary-setting not only helps you protect what is truly important but also fosters healthy, respectful relationships.

As Bronnie Ware poignantly notes in her book The Five Regrets of the Dying, the number one regret of those nearing the end of their lives is, “I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.” This powerful insight underscores the importance of living authentically and setting boundaries that reflect your true values. Here’s a guide to setting boundaries with clarity, consistency, and confidence, ensuring you stay true to yourself and lead a fulfilling life.

1.    Clarify - What’s Important to You, Not What You Think You Should Do

Before you can set effective boundaries, it’s essential to have a clear understanding of your own priorities and values, and not what you may feel pressured to do by societal expectations or other’s opinions.  Often, people get caught up in issues or concepts and forget that their primary goal is to maintain and nurture meaningful relationships within the role. Take some time to reflect on:

Your Core Values: Who is the person you want to authentically be?

Your True Priorities: What relationships and roles bring you the most fulfillment?

Your Genuine Needs: What are your personal requirements for true balance and well-being?

By identifying what genuinely matters to you, you’ll be better equipped to set boundaries that support these priorities and keep you focused on what’s personally significant for you.

2.    Consistency – Verbalising ‘What is Important to You’

Once you have a clear understanding of your priorities, it’s important to communicate them consistently. This means articulating your values in a way that reflects what matters most to you, without getting side-tracked by extraneous issues. For example: What’s important to me is ….  What matters most to me … What I value most … What I hold dear to me is… What fuels my energy …

What situations/people/circumstances bring me joy…

By consistently stating what is important to you, you help others understand and respect your boundaries, reinforcing your commitment to your own values.  Be mindful that you are only stating YOUR value, not trying to convivence others that YOUR value is or should be right for anyone else.

3.     Confidence – Articulating your thoughts not your emotions.

When expressing what values most to you, do so in a cool, calm, collected manner… you are just giving information, avoid the urge to be defensive, like you somehow need to justify yourself.

… Never apologise for your viewpoint, play the victim, whine, or display anger or aggression (and quite frankly, why would you need to).

… Present your boundaries as a reflection of your own values, beliefs or desires, not as a defensive reaction to others.

Being unapologetically yourself while verbalising your stand point shows respect for your own needs and encourages others to honour them as well.

4. Clear Statement - Not a Request

When setting boundaries, frame your communication as a clear statement of your needs, actions, and limits; all things that are in your control.  Boundary setting is not a request or wish for others to change or do something different… it is purely about you and what is important to YOU.

For instance:

Clear Statement: “It is important to me to have uninterrupted time for personal projects on weekends. Therefore, I will not be available for any scheduled meetings during this time.” (I statements … I am in control of what I choose to do)

Not a Request: “I would appreciate it if you could avoid scheduling events on weekends.” (A focus on the external locus of control)

What’s important to me …

What I am willing to do…

What I am not willing to do …

By making definitive statements about what you are willing to do and what you are not willing to do, you take control of your boundaries without imposing ‘shoulds’ on yourself or others. This approach helps establish clear expectations and maintains focus on who you wish to be without seeking validation from others.

Remember, setting boundaries isn’t about meeting external expectations but about defining and honouring your own values. It’s about articulating these values in a way that maintains healthy relationships with those around you. By embracing this approach, you create a life that aligns with your true self and your genuine desires. While it may take time to master, with practice, you'll find yourself increasingly adept at setting and maintaining boundaries that reflect who you truly are and what you genuinely want.